


Say My Name

by cheekyhowell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Dan Howell - Freeform, Fighting, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, Phil Lester - Freeform, danisnotonfire - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 18:48:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8221178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheekyhowell/pseuds/cheekyhowell
Summary: Phil has tried everything in his power to get Dan to love him again. But when the fans push him over the edge, the unbearable silence that comes later is torture to him. Finally, he works up the courage to talk to Dan about it. ------------------Words: 2.1k------------------A/N: So this is kinda like a poetic 2012!phan fiction? I don't know it starts off just really angsty and is all better in the end okay enjoy





	

Warms hands ran their way up my chest as our two bodies collided. Heavy breathing and soft whimpers were the only noises resonating the room. My hands gripped the soft bed covers as the boy ran his tongue over my neck. Our shirts sat on the floor next to the bed, the dim light illuminating the room just enough to make out his beautiful features. Heat filled the room quickly, nothing but I love you's spilling from our mouths.

But not all things last.

Faster than I knew, holding hands and cuddling on the couch turned to coldness and ignorance. He didn't even address me by my name anymore, the only way he ever got my attention being him yelling for me to "get over here". Sure, we were still technically living together. But I have a feeling it's only because he had no other choice. I reminisced to the times we would laugh together, to when we didn't care if people saw the happiness radiating from us. Now Dan seemed to want nothing to do with me. How could a love that burned so strong fizzle out, I have no idea.

I missed the passion that burned in his eyes when we made love. Yes, made love. I can't even call it sex because the amount of lust and infatuation that was present at the time doesn't even fall close to the category of sex. I missed the way he sounded when he spoke, the way he would say he wanted me, he needed me. I missed waking up to his beautiful face, his scruffy hair, his morning voice. I missed him.

And although he was just a room over, it wasn't the same. The tense atmosphere we've created in this damn apartment was unbearable. Sometimes I'd hear soft pattering foot steps around the flat, sometimes I'd hear silence. I've always been the one for conversation. I was a firm believer in making my thoughts known. But why was it so difficult for me now?

I don't remember a specific day, if you will. It just kind of happened. Fans got out of hand, his voice in his head telling him that it's not okay. I never understood. No one would care if we dated. It's okay to be open. It's not a crime. But he didn't see it that way. He saw it as wrong, saw it as some sort of sin, something he should feel guilty about.

I wanted so bad just to yell at him, tell him it didn't matter. Tell him that all I want to do is be with him. Of course, I'd always give up seconds before telling him that. Some say that silence is the loudest scream, but he never heard me. I'm scared that he never will. Maybe we weren't meant for each other.

Oh who am I kidding. The only person I wanted to be around was him. We clicked. When I met Dan, it's like I had found the missing piece to me. I had filled the hole in my heart with him. Now that he's gone, there's a bigger hole in me than before. It almost felt like I had no heart at all. I know we were made for each other, I can feel it in my bones.

After suffering in silence for the past six months, I've come to the conclusion that I need him back. I need to fight for him. I want him.

My legs wobbled as I stood up, threatening to give out from underneath me at any second. My palms were sweating, my face flushed from the sudden rise in temperature. My heart thudded inside my chest, my stomach churning. And I haven't even stepped out of my room to speak to him yet.

I made my way over to the door, watching as my pale hand turned the handle. The sound of the creaking door broke the silence that floated through the air. I walked gently down the hall to Dan's bedroom. I turned to face the closed door like I did every other time I did this. Except tonight was no time for giving up and going back to my room.

I must've stood there for at least five minutes before I heard the muffled whimper come from behind his door. Confusion was etched into my features, pressing my ear against the door to hear more. I heard him, sniffling and crying softly in his bedroom. It wasn't sobbing, it wasn't choked out accompanied by uneasy breathing patterns. Just a steady, constant stream of soft cries. My heart stopped in my chest. I had barely spoken to him lately, let alone heard him cry. I wonder how long he's been doing this. Or how often. I took this as my opportunity, not backing down anytime soon as my hand tapped the door softly twice.

"Dan?" I whispered hesitantly, not expecting my voice to sound so quiet or for me to choke afterwards. Thinking his name was one thing, saying it aloud was another.

"Go away," He retorted coldly, feeling my chest clench tighter, restricting my breathing slightly. I stood silently by his door, trying to decide whether I should just go back to my room and begin looking for new flats to rent out. Apparently just the thought of living without Dan hurt me, feeling an immediate rush of hot tears brim my eyes. One fell down my cheek as I put more of my weight on the door, gripping the door knob so tight my knuckles went white.

"Please," I breathed out hopelessly, resting my head slightly on the door, hitting it lightly in the process. A steady stream of tears flowed out as I squeezed my eyes shut. I tried my hardest to make no noise as I awaited his response. Silence ensued.

It was agony. Is it possible to feel your heart literally shatter in your chest? Because I think I did. Was I not trying hard enough? Did his love just die out after a while? Is that what I meant to him? Was I just another fling? Just another person he could add to his list of hook ups? No. Not Dan. I've met a lot of nasty people in my life, and Dan is not one of them. Then again, how could I know for sure. We haven't had a real conversation in ages, he could've changed drastically in that period of time.

His quiet yet broken sounding voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

"What do you want," he asked blandly, only making me hurt more. I inhaled sharply, making it pretty obvious I was crying at this point.

"I just want to talk," I said, crying as the words left my mouth. I didn't say it very loudly, my cries being just slightly louder than my voice. I really did just want to talk.

I was a genuinely nice person. I avoided any and all fights and confrontation, especially with my friends and family. Sure, this trait about me almost always lead to me being used and walked all over, but I couldn't help it. I'd been planning what I wanted to say to him forever, practicing getting through the whole speech without stuttering or messing up. At this point, I was lucky if I composed myself enough so I could speak.

"Come in,"

I sighed, relief washing over me as I pushed the door open. My eyes immediately fell to Dan, sitting on his bed with his knees pulled towards himself, his chin resting atop of them. He stared straight ahead, a deadpanned look clearly on his face. His eyes were red, his cheeks were puffy and his hair began to curl slightly from the crying he did earlier. He looked numb. He looked dead.

The boy who was sat on this bed in front of me was not the same one I'd met back in 2009. Dan used to be happy, his eyes lighting up whenever he saw me. Where did his smile go? Where was all his characteristic he used to carry in his features? I remember the way he used to skip around the kitchen and make us breakfast all cheerily in nothing but his batman pyjama pants. I longed for the days where we spent hours on the couch playing video games and going to grab bubble tea just because we felt like it. I cried even harder at the thought. I probably looked crazy just standing in the entrance of his bedroom crying, but hey, he was crying too.

"Why don't you love me anymore?" I looked up from the floor to him, tilting my head slightly. I mean, it wasn't what I had planned to say, but I was interested in the answer.

"Who said I ever stopped loving you?" he said, barely audible. Even the way he spoke sounded insecure. What did he mean by that? Surely he hated me, there's no way he still loved me after the torture we've silently endured these past six months.

Suddenly, he stood up quickly, waddling over to me with his arms hanging limply by his sides. His body looked even worse than his face. He looked dangerously thin, like he hadn't eaten in days and looking a lot paler than usual. He looked up at me, our gazes meeting for the first time in a while. Neither of us dared to turn away, instead staring deeply at each other. He was about five inches away from me.

"Sometimes it just gets a little overwhelming," he said, both of us still staring straight on at each other.

"Am I really that overwhelming? Dan, I've given you nothing but love, and the second we show the tiniest amount of affection online, you shut me out and-"

"That's not what I meant. Let me finish," he said, moving his hands in a 'calm down' kind of motion. "I only realized that our relationship was true when fans began noticing our behaviour. That really gave me a reality check. I got scared. I've never been so close to someone in my life and I got scared that you would leave me. So I left first. I thought that pushing you away would be the solution, that people would stop talking about it, and that I'll get over you, one day. It never worked. In fact, all it's done is make me love you even more and on top of that, I miss you. God, I miss you so fucking much and I can't even look at you without crying," he rambled, choking on his last words before more tears spilled from his eyes.

I stepped closer towards him, our foreheads touching gently as we wrapped our arms around each others waists. What would ever make him think that I would leave him? I've done nothing but show love and affection. I could never hurt him. Ever. We stood in tranquility after that, silent tears streaming down both of our faces. Our heads tilted slightly as if we were about to kiss, but both of us being too scared to attempt anything considering we haven't had this much interaction since the last kiss we shared.

"I love you," he whimpered. I saw the way his chest would rise up and down unsteadily, trying to regulate his breathing. I knew he meant it, I know he did. But I didn't believe it. It couldn't be real. I hadn't heard those words in an eternity and a half, how could I comprehend them in that moment? I couldn't.

"Say my name," I demanded softly. I don't know why I said it. I just needed to hear him say my name, say it with that passion he had just a second ago, hear him say the one word I missed the most.

"I love you Phil," he said, louder this time, with confidence. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I heard it again.

I quickly closed the gap between our lips, pressing into him just firm enough. Our lips moved together never like before, our tongues meeting shortly after. Never have I ever wanted to kiss him so bad. One of his hands came up to the back of my head, his fingers intertwining with my hair as he pulled me closer to him, his soft lips moving against mine like it was our first kiss all over again.

We moved over to the bed, Dan falling on top of me softly. We continued kissing for a bit before we both needed air. I caught his lip between my teeth before he pulled away, gently biting it before we separated.

"I love you too, Dan,"

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: wow how cheesy was this??? anyways, I tried to take the more poetic approach to the story in the beginning rather than explaining fully so yay I tried something new. I was thinking about turning this into like a make up sex smutty thing but I decided not to as it would ruin the moment they had between them so yeah lets just say they cuddled all night and woke up and watched anime and everything was okay again. RIGHT THIS IS LONG SO IM GONNA GO OKAY BYEEEEEE


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